Hey, remember when I said I’d write that post about grief a few months ago? I’ve been putting it off because it’s hard. Of course it’s hard – it’s about grief, it’s personal, and it hurts. Sometimes it doesn’t, and I feel like that’s worse. How dare I not hurt over this? How dare I feel like he’s not gone? Read More…
I have a weird relationship with Lent.
I’m not Catholic. I’ve never been Catholic. I joke a lot that Catholic Guilt™ takes seven generations to leave the bloodline, and my mom, well, was almost a nun. By the time she had me, she’d been agnostic twenty years, but the Catholic Guilt™ is still strong with this one.
The idea of abstention from something pings something deep within me, and so does the idea of rededication to faith. But unfortunately, I have so far been a Bad Catholic™ (Beri, you’re not even Catholic, calm down, Beyoncé) and haven’t…really done anything.
I mean. I’ve done things when I remember, and my memory’s about as reliable as a chocolate teapot these days. (Thanks, medication!)
I’ve started working on my Book again. You know, The Book. The thing in which one writes down all the everything.
I don’t know what to call it – Book of Shadows isn’t my thing, grimoire isn’t quite right – but I’m always scared that I’ll screw it up somehow. I had to get the ARC thing from Staples – that modular system where you can change things around. Like a binder, but it still looks nice. I can’t copy things into a journal that looks nice. Not yet.
“Mental health machine broke.”
“Understandable, have a great day.”
I meme, because otherwise I cry.
I’m gonna be real here – I’m not doing great. Living this close to Mos Eisley on the Potomac kinda does that; it’s chipping away at me, day after day.
It never used to do that. Read More…
Hey there, friends.
Been a while. Lots of reflection, lots of change in my practice. I’ve archived the previous posts, because they don’t reflect my current spiritual life…and honestly, upon rereading them, they felt kind of childish. Not at all how I am, or who I am anymore.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it – I’ve been through a lot of trauma since I last posted in 2014. Sexual assault, the loss of a job, harassment at work, misdiagnosis and mismedication which made me so utterly stupid that I couldn’t do basic math…it wasn’t great.
In the words of John le Carré:
“They did this to me but I have remained who I am. I am tempered. I am able. Inside myself there’s an untouched man. If they came back now, and did everything to me again, they would never reach the untouched man. I’ve passed the exam I’ve been shirking all my life. I’m a graduate of pain.”
That’s from The Constant Gardener, one of my favorite books. It’s dark, and hard, and honestly kind of depressing (and the movie makes me sob my eyes out every time), but it’s hopeful, too. It’s about fighting darkness and injustice, and bringing the mistreatment of people who can’t fight for themselves to light. (To be quite honest, I’m on the verge of tears just writing about it. It affects me that much.)
So, here I am. A graduate of pain. And it’s time to record who I’ve become.