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You Gotta Believe in the Heart of the Cards

the heart of the cards

My tarot deck is mocking me again.

At least, it feels that way. I’ve been doing daily draws, trying to get back into the habit. By the way, anyone who says that technowitchery and tarot apps aren’t as valid as a physical deck are full of it. The Shadowscapes app is just as shady as my physical copy, and it’s more portable/less conspicuous. I can do a pull or a reading whenever and wherever I want.

I digress. While I’ve been getting back into the habit of daily draws, using the “today’s card” function on the app to have something to think about going through the day…mostly, they seem to be pointing to one thing. That leap of faith I took. Read More…

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The Three Trials of Beriani Jones

leap of faith

I’m doing my best.

Lighting candles on the daily – been missing a couple days, but that’s okay. I keep burning down that one vigil candle, leaving offerings (usually of tea), meditating a little, and just talking. Talking seems to help. It always does.

Hm. Maybe I should stop paying my therapist. (Beri, no.)

I’m trying not to be anxious about that leap of faith, but it’s hard. And I need to trust my tarot, and trust in what’s happening. I want to make it.

(Only the penitent man will pass. In the Latin alphabet, ‘Jehovah’ begins with an ‘I’. Only in the leap from the lion’s head will he prove his worth. It’s a leap of faith. You must believe, boy. You must believe.)

(God, I love that movie.)

(And it’s relevant! Sort of!)

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I Believe I Lent You Something…

Lent

I have a weird relationship with Lent.

I’m not Catholic. I’ve never been Catholic. I joke a lot that Catholic Guilt™ takes seven generations to leave the bloodline, and my mom, well, was almost a nun. By the time she had me, she’d been agnostic twenty years, but the Catholic Guilt™ is still strong with this one.

The idea of abstention from something pings something deep within me, and so does the idea of rededication to faith. But unfortunately, I have so far been a Bad Catholic™ (Beri, you’re not even Catholic, calm down, Beyoncé) and haven’t…really done anything.

I mean. I’ve done things when I remember, and my memory’s about as reliable as a chocolate teapot these days. (Thanks, medication!)

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Traditiooooooon, TRADITION!

loving-the-yule-dawn

Blessed Yule, my dudes.

I don’t do Yule per se – I’m trying to figure out the solstice, since that’s the halfway point for the dark half of the year, and the half of the year I spend mostly interacting with Wolf-Sensei. I admit – I haven’t been too great about that lately. Partially due to some weirdass medical stuff, and partially due to some other mental stuff. Hooray for cold weather causing nerve pain flare-ups. And hooray for trying to break my wrist in my sleep (???).

(Gonna do a post about grief in a few days, probably, since an anniversary is coming up and I’m all verklempt even thinking about it.)

Anyway, on to the point: figuring out traditions is hard when you’re making your own. Read More…

Write Day and Night Like It’s Going Out of Style

I’ve started working on my Book again. You know, The Book. The thing in which one writes down all the everything.

I don’t know what to call it – Book of Shadows isn’t my thing, grimoire isn’t quite right – but I’m always scared that I’ll screw it up somehow. I had to get the ARC thing from Staples – that modular system where you can change things around. Like a binder, but it still looks nice. I can’t copy things into a journal that looks nice. Not yet.

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Time Keeps On Slippin’, Slippin’, Slippin’…

I noticed this morning that it really is getting on into autumn. Not by too far, but the air has that sort of bite to it, just a little. So I decided to look up when the autumnal equinox is.

September 22. Next Friday. A week from today. Oh.

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Being Pagan in Public

In the fancy candy shop yesterday:

“Ooh, an Earl Grey macaron. I’ll get one, that’ll be a good offering for Wolf-Sensei.”

“Mint honey? Sure. Bast’ll enjoy that, I think. Ooh, and konpeitō!”

All of this out loud. All of it. (And I didn’t even know that konpeitō is a standard gift for the Imperial Family of Japan. Wrong side of the world, but, hey. Thanks. Thank you. Thanks. And lucky me, I get to revert all of these offerings. Delicious.)

Point is, aside from the fact that either due to my meds or the fact that I just don’t give a shit anymore, I have no filter. And my internal monologue is often an external monologue. And that often means that I’m openly pagan in public.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Read More…