Guess who’s back, back again?
Hey there, friends.
Been a while. Lots of reflection, lots of change in my practice. I’ve archived the previous posts, because they don’t reflect my current spiritual life…and honestly, upon rereading them, they felt kind of childish. Not at all how I am, or who I am anymore.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it – I’ve been through a lot of trauma since I last posted in 2014. Sexual assault, the loss of a job, harassment at work, misdiagnosis and mismedication which made me so utterly stupid that I couldn’t do basic math…it wasn’t great.
In the words of John le Carré:
“They did this to me but I have remained who I am. I am tempered. I am able. Inside myself there’s an untouched man. If they came back now, and did everything to me again, they would never reach the untouched man. I’ve passed the exam I’ve been shirking all my life. I’m a graduate of pain.”
That’s from The Constant Gardener, one of my favorite books. It’s dark, and hard, and honestly kind of depressing (and the movie makes me sob my eyes out every time), but it’s hopeful, too. It’s about fighting darkness and injustice, and bringing the mistreatment of people who can’t fight for themselves to light. (To be quite honest, I’m on the verge of tears just writing about it. It affects me that much.)
So, here I am. A graduate of pain. And it’s time to record who I’ve become.