Pagan Blog Project 2014: “U” is for Uncertainty
Oh look, another post in this general vein from me. I’m sure you’re all very surprised.
It’s rough, not being sure in your faith. Sometimes I wonder if I’m making it all up, and then I realize how insulting that is and I cringe. It’s so rude. Maybe if I doubt enough, the gods will give up on me. Maybe I can go back to being agnostic. It was so much easier. I didn’t have to deal with the hard questions, or with deities demanding tea, or feeling like I’ve let down anyone but myself on a daily basis.
But it’s not that easy.
I keep on pushing forward, even though I doubt. Some days I don’t push at all. Some days I feel like I’m going through the motions, like I’m just pretending. And I recognize that’s a disservice to the gods and to myself.
How am I ever going to feel like I’m worth anything at all if I keep undermining myself in this vein? How am I going to ever find my footing in my faith?
I made a string of prayer beads for Bast a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been wearing them on and off, looped around my wrist. I try and run my thumb over them, to remember why I made them and Who they’re for. They help, I think. Not sure how much, but they help.
Maybe I just need to get used to them. Maybe I just have to trust myself and trust Her.